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English Major
Thinker of odd things
















Marx brothers quotes [March 17, 2004, 2:58 p.m.]

I know, I know, I've already made an entire website of quotations and lines from movies, but I just had to put some of my favorite zany Marx brothers quotes on here. By the way, I'm using the real names of the bros (Groucho, Chico, and Harpo) and not the names of their characters in the movies - it's just clearer that way.

How about some page jump? I think it'll make things a little more organized here. Pick a movie:

.Animal Crackers.
.Monkey Business.
.Duck Soup.
.A Night at the Opera.
.A Day at the Races.
.Room Service.

Animal Crackers"(1930):

Arabella: "Oh, Mr. Ravelli, I want you to do something for me."
Chico: "I do anything for you. What you want I should do?"
Arabella: "You see that painting?"
Chico: "You mean this piksh?"
Arabella: "I want you to take that out of the frame and put this one in its place."
Chico: "You want I should take this one 'a down put this one upstairs."
Arabella: "Yes, that's it."
Chico: "You want I should steal?"
Arabella: "Oh no! It's not stealing."
Chico: "Then I couldn't do it."

Groucho: [singing] "Hello, I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going. La la."

Groucho: "No trains will be sold after the magazine leaves the depot."

Groucho: "I used to know a fellow who looked exactly like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli. Are you his brother?"
Chico: "I am Emanuel Ravelli."
Groucho: "You're Emanuel Ravelli?"
Chico: "I am Emanuel Ravelli."
Groucho: "Well, no wonder you look like him. But I still insist there is a resemblance."
Chico: "Ha ha ha, he thinks I look alike!"
Groucho: "Well, if you do, it's a tough break for both of you."

Groucho: "Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

Groucho: "My name is Captain Jeffrey T. Spaulding. I bet you don't know what the T stands for."
Chandler: "Thomas?"
Groucho: "Nope, Edgar. But you were close though."

Groucho: "I'll show you a thing or three."

Groucho: "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, which doesn't say much for you."

Groucho: "I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even ice cream."

Groucho: "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

Groucho: "This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach."

(While playing bridge)
Mrs. Rittenhouse [about Harpo]: "He has two Aces of Spades??"
Chico: "Yeah, he's got thousands of them!"

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"Monkey Business"(1931):

Groucho: [to Chico] "Would you mind getting up off the flypaper and giving the flies a chance?"

Groucho: "Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

Groucho: "...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel..."
Chico: "On his what?"
Groucho: "Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what vessel is?"
Chico: "Sure, I can vessel..." [starts whistling]
Groucho: "Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?"

Man [to Groucho, handing him a note]: "I wish you'd announce this next singer - I can't pronounce the name."
Groucho: [as he tears up the note] "Ladies and Gentlemen! I want to announce that a buffet dinner will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you into that room quickly, Mrs. Shmollahoz will be performaing a soprano solo for us in this room."

Groucho: "Let's look at it this way: the bicycle will never replace the horse. On the other hand, the horse will never replace the bicycle. And that's quite a horse-on-a-bicycle if I ever saw one, and I don't think I ever saw one."

Groucho: "Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels!"

Groucho: "You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either."

Groucho: "Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills."

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"Duck Soup"(1933):

Man: "Sir, you try my patience!"
Groucho: "I don't mind if I do - you'll have to come over and try mine sometime."

Groucho: "I've got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."

Prosecutor: "What year were you born?"
Chico: "I don't remember - I was just a little baby."

Groucho: "Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers, who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth."
Chico: "I'll tell you what I'll do: I'll take five and ten in Woolworth."

Groucho: "Not that I care, but where is your husband?"
Mrs. Teasdale: "Why, he's dead."
Groucho: "I bet he's just using that as an excuse."
Mrs. Teasdale: "I was with him to the very end."
Groucho: "No wonder he passed away."
Mrs. Teasdale: "I held him in my arms and kissed him."
Groucho: "Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first."

Groucho: "Maybe you can suggest something. As a matter of fact, you do suggest something. To me you suggest a baboon."
Ambassador Trentino: "What?!"
Groucho: "I, uh, I'm sorry I said that; it isn't fair to the rest of the baboons."

Chico: "Now I aska you one. What has a trunk, but no key, weighs 2,000 pounds and lives in a circus?"
Prosecutor: "That's irrelevant!"
Chico: "Irrelephant? Hey, that'sa the answer! There's a whole lot of irrelephants in the circus."

Prosecutor: "You haven't been paying your taxes."
Chico: "Taxes. I have an uncle who lives in Taxes."
Prosecutor: "No - Money! Dollars!"
Chico: "Dollahs, Taxes. That's where my uncle is a-from!"

Groucho: "Oh, I'm sick of messages from the front! Don't we ever get a message from the side? --What is it?"
Messenger: "General Smith reports a gas attack. He wants to know what to do."
Groucho: "Tell him to take a teaspoonful of bicarbonate of soda and a half a glass of water."

Groucho: "I'll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school!"

Groucho: "Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you."

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"A night at the opera"(1935):

Groucho: "Ladies and Gentlemen...I guess that takes in most of you."

Groucho: "Oh waiter?"
Waiter: "Yes sir?"
Groucho: "Have you got any milk-fed chickens?"
Waiter: "Yes, sir."
Groucho: "Well squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass."

Rodolfo Lassparri: "Does it mean nothing to you that I am the greatest singer in the world?"
Rosa: "But I love to hear you sing, Rodolfo."
Rodolfo Lassparri: "No no no, let me put it this way: I love you. I adore you. I would die for you. Now do you understand?"
Rosa: "I'm afraid I don't."
Groucho: "The whole thing is very simple. When he says he's the greatest singer in the world, it means he loves you. Personally I don't believe either statement."

Groucho: "Yes?"
Henderson: "You remember me, I'm Henderson, plainclothesman."
Groucho: "You look more like an old clothesman to me."

Groucho: "The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
Chico: "Sounds a little better this time."
Groucho: "Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?"
Chico: "Just the first part."
Groucho: "What, you mean the party of the first part?"
Chico: "No, the first part of the party of the first part."

Groucho: "You boys will have to scram. I've got a date with a lady in a few minutes and, well, you know the old saying: Two's company and five's a crowd."

Groucho [to the steward]: "I'll take two fried eggs, two poached eggs, two scrambled eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs."
Chico: "And two hard-boiled eggs!"
Groucho: "And two hard-boiled eggs."
Harpo: "Honk!"
Groucho: "Make that three hard-boiled eggs."...
Harpo: "Honk!"
Groucho: "And one duck egg."

Henderson: "Am I crazy or are there only two beds in here??"
Groucho: "Now which question do you want me to answer first?"

Groucho: "Where can I find you?"
Chico: "Don't worry. Wherever you are, you'll find us."
Groucho: "No, I'm sick of that. Let's meet somewhere else."

Groucho: "All right, I'll read it to ya. Can ya hear?"
Chico: "I haven't heard anything yet. You said anything?"
Groucho: "Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing..."
Chico: "Well, that's why I didn't hear anything."
Groucho: "Well, that's why I didn't say anything."(hear it)

Groucho: "Anyhow, we're all set now, aren't we?... Now just put your name right there, and the deal is legal."
Chico: "I forgot to tell you, I can't write."
Groucho: "Well that's all right, there's no ink in the pen anyhow. But listen, it's a contract, isn't it?"
Chico: "Oh sure."
Groucho: "We got a contract, no matter how small it is."
Chico: "You bet."

Groucho: "Why don't you fellows be nice? Get outta here before I get arrested!"
Chico: "Nah, I'd like to stay and see that."

Groucho: "It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause."
Chico: "Ha ha ha ha ha ha! You can't fool me. There ain't no Sanity Clause!" (hear it)

Mrs. Claypool: "What are you doing here? This is Mr. Gottlieb's spot!"
Groucho: "He couldn't come, so he gave me his ticket. And he couldn't get dressed, so he gave me his clothes."

Groucho: [to Lassparri] "Hey, you big bully, what's the idea of hitting that little bully?" [Harpo]

Lassparri: "Never in my life have I received such treatment! They threw an apple at me!"
Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season."

Lassparri: [dressed as a clown] "Now, what have you got to say to me?"
Groucho: "Just this - can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pajamas?"(hear it)

Groucho: "You didn't happen to see my suit in there, did you?"
Chico: "Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it."
Groucho: "Did'ja get anything for it?"
Chico: "A dollar forty."
Groucho: "That's my suit all right."

Chico: [about Harpo] "Don't wake him up, he's got insomnia. He's trying to sleep it off."

Henderson: "You live here by yourself?"
Groucho: "Yes... just me and my memories."
Henderson: [suspiciously] "I see the table is set for four."
Groucho: "That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight."(hear it)

Henderson: "What is that bed doing in here?!"
Groucho: "I don't see it doing anything."

Chico: "I'd give you my seat, but I'm sitting in it."

Groucho: "That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you."
Mrs. Claypool: "Really?"
Groucho: "Of course. That's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips. Everything about you reminds me of you... except you."

Mrs. Claypool: "I've been sitting right here since 7:00."
Groucho: "Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay."

Henderson: "What's this?"
Groucho: "That's the fire escape... and that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out and I wish you'd use it. I vant to be alone..."

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"A day at the races"(1937):

Groucho: "In case you've never done this before, this is known as 'washing your hands'."

Groucho: "How much is this?"
Chico: "That's a-free."
Groucho: "Oh, thank you."
Chico: "There's just a $2 delivery charge."
Groucho: "Delivery charge? But I'm standing right next to you!"
Chico: "Well, for such a short distance, I make it $1."
Groucho: "Couldn't I just move over here and make it 50 cents?"
Chico: "Yes, but I could move back over here and make it a dollar just the same."

Groucho: "Emily, I have a little confession to make: I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at another horse."

Groucho: "Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar."
Mrs. Upjohn: "Vassar? But that's a girls' college."
Groucho: "I found that out the third year. I'd have been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team."

Groucho: "She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me."

Groucho: "You know, I proposed to your mother once."
Judy: "But that's my father!"
Groucho: "Oh. No wonder he turned me down."

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"Room Service"(1938):

Chico: "I still think it's a terrible play, but it makes a wonderful rehearsal."

Chico: "I'm so hungry I see spots before my eyes."
Leo Davis: "Me too."
Chico: "Mine are starting to look like hamburgers."
Groucho: "Well if you see one with onions, save it for me."

Groucho [pointing to Harpo]: "And this is Mr. England, the brains of our organization. That'll give you an idea of the organization."

Chico [about his moose-head]: "I shot it with my own hands; I ate it up to the neck; but I refuse to part with the rest of it!"

Chico: "Hello, Room Service? Bring up enough ice to cool a warm body."

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Other quotes from Groucho:

Man: "Please welcome ... Groucho!"
Groucho: "What a ridiculous name. Oh, that's me! Groucho Marx!"

"Time wounds all heels."

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'd be glad to make an exception."

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wander -- travel

Miss anything?

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Elegy for Spotty - Wednesday, Jun. 24, 2009