De-jobbed [Saturday, Sept. 27, 2008, 4:01 pm]
I will probably soon make one of those lovely facebook-status mentions of this, but I feel like this is a safer place to write, so I'll go ahead and say that I'm unemployed right now.
My boss asked to see me and someone else in his office this Tuesday, and I just kinda... knew. He said it wasn't anything to do with us - there just hasn't been much work to do lately. I'm actually kinda surprised I was able to stay as long as I have. He also said it was only because we were the most recent two hires - which isn't true - there was someone hired right after me in the same department, but whatever. I'll just pretend I'm not paranoid about my job performance.
I understand that it had to happen, and I'm certainly not angry, I just feel upset at myself because I've never lost a job before. Granted, I've only had two before this, and even though I was a temp, this was somehow more of a "real" job than the previous two.
And I realize that sometimes there's nothing you can do when the economy goes into spasms like this. I like this idea that if you just work hard and are dependable and don't miss a day and show up early, and are nice to people... you'll be valuable. I'm not saying that still isn't true, I just...don't like it when my ideas get shaken up. I like to hope I was all those things. But... maybe it's a good thing... I just need to learn to deal with it.
So yeah, I'm fine. I'm definitely in better financial shape than I was when I first got out of school, so I'm going to see if I can hold out long enough to get a job through the same temp agency instead of picking up some retail job just for something to do - since I have benefits where I am, and I'd really like to keep them. I don't want anything huge. I just want to do something that makes use of my skills and doesn't employ too many of my non-skilled areas.
I hate being unemployed because I feel powerless... but once again, I'm having to realize that very little is completely under my control anyway, and instead of freaking out I need to just do what I can do, be productive in the down time, and... just wait. Sometimes that's the hardest part. I certainly can't claim to be the "type A" go-getter that some people are, but even I at times have trouble "sitting still" (mentally speaking) and just using my downtime productively.
I've been doing a lot of cooking and cleaning around here because I feel guilty when I'm not "doing anything." It's easy to become dependent on the affirmation that getting a regular paycheck can lead to. Even in a simple thing like that, it tells me that I'm fulfilling some kind of need, and doing something worth getting paid for. To me, that's enough... just to know that I'm needed to do something.
Oh well. I do know that God's taking care of me. I can't be too choosy, but I really do hope I can find a job I'm comfortable with. In the meantime... I'll do what I can.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009