Family history [Thursday, Nov. 18, 2004, 8:40 am]
Sometimes I wish there was a way for me to know exactly what my family history was like. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go back in time like Micheal J. Fox did in 'Back to the Future'. If I knew my mom when she was my age, would we be friends? If I knew my dad when he was my age, would I like him?
Obviously I'll have no way of knowing, but they sure are interesting things to think about. There are some things that I really wish I knew more about. Things that I don't think anyone else would want to tell me.
I've always known that my Grandmother on my mother's side isn't really my biological grandmother. She married my Grandpa about 25 years ago. Whenever I was younger and asked my mom what happened to her real mother, she would always say, "She died." Once I asked her what she died of, and my mom said, "A sickness." And that was it.
But two summers ago, me and my sister were in the car with my Grandmother, and we got to talking about my biological grandmother. And that's when I found out that she died by suicide. That was a shock to me. I've seen pictures of her, and my mom has told some very nice stories about her, and told us about what a wonderful person she was. So what drove her to kill herself?
My Grandma said it was because she was mentally ill, and the doctor she was seeing apparently didn't think it was as serious as it was. My mom was only 19 when she died. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a mother to suicide as a teenager.
Somehow I still have so much curiosity about this. I'm curious as to how she killed herself. What were the details? I hope I don't sound morbid, but I just feel the need to know more about her. Don't get me wrong - I love the grandmother I have now, and she's a great person, but we have nothing in common. Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if my mother's mother hadn't decided to take her own life. Why did she do it? I know she wasn't seriously mentally ill, otherwise she wouldn't have been able to run a household and hold a job.
So why did she do it? I don't know. And I'm certainly not going to ask my mother about it. Sometimes all I can do is wonder, and wish I could find the missing pieces.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009