We must inhibit the inhibitions! [Saturday, Jan. 05, 2008, 4:05 pm]
Oh, when the sky is gray and I write things, I tend to follow the sky. 'Tis not a good thing. Feelings are fickle however, and worries are worthless. I carry on far too much with both at times, although at the very least I can hardly be accused of holding back my fears. But... why would that be a bad thing?
Sometimes I'm very happy with where I am, in comparison to other things. I'm a semester short of graduating with a B.A. I have great friends and family. I'm planning on moving out soon, and preparing to eventually take care of myself. On the other hand, my car is a dead man walking, I don't know what kind of job I should pursue after graduating, and I'm still plagued by doubts that perhaps I'm settling for too little, wanting what I can't have, doomed to be a career girl out of obligation rather than desire...
On the other other hand... Um. I can benefit from a little healthy fear at times. I mean, at least I care. At least there are some things I have not held back from due to fear of fear. But sometimes it doesn't feel like much at all. Sometimes I wish I'd trained for some generic job and could just be unplugged and plugged in to different places as the need arises. Sometimes I wonder if my desire to enrich myself by studying something that's not "practical" is largely selfish.
I'm not dumb. I know there are things I'm good at. I've always seen myself as practical, but maybe I'm not. Maybe I still dream too much and thus chafe at the thought of attempting to convert myself into job market capital. I just want someone to hold my hand and do it for me. And yet, I don't. I want to be independent, as I have been.
Maybe I'm independent in the wrong ways. Maybe I should move to Boston where they actually have jobs. Maybe my literary proclivities give me the tendency to exaggerate things... like this... that aren't as scary as they sound. Kinda like that driving test. The third one. Haha, wow. I'm pathetic.
I'm just going to enjoy this last semester. Things will come together. I mean, I can't just wait for something to drop into my lap... but... worrying now helps nothing. So these next few months should be the best ever... I don't want my own irrationality to inhibit them from being so.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009