My kind of writing [Saturday, Sept. 08, 2007, 5:29 pm]
I'm going to have a lot of writing to do this semester - both literary and creative. I just hope the literary process doesn't sap my creativity. I'm hoping they'll end up complimenting each other instead.
My dorm room has a good view of the flat roof that's in between the two large peaks of the building. I don't think my window is quite near enough to let me climb out onto it without falling to the courtyard below and dying, but I keep thinking what a great place it would be to just drag my beach chair onto and read a book - seeing as I have a lot of that to do lately. I mean, I do know people with closer rooms - I could get out there if I wanted to. But I'm pretty sure that's somehow against the rules. So I won't risk it.
No encounters yet with the ghost. Not that I've been anticipating any... I think a lot really depends on how much of that stuff you really believe.
Maybe when I get home next, I'll bring my "real" camera back so I can photograph around here. Sometimes I do want a digital, but the kinds that would be able to do the things I'm used to with mine would be pretty expensive. Right now, paying for film developing is much more practical.
So the first week has gone pretty well. I've had to do most of my homework today to ensure that I'll have enough time to hang out with my family at a craft fair tomorrow. And I still have a decent amount yet to do, but I need a break.
When I think about it, there are some things I didn't really do very intelligently here. I mean, I'm okay with the fact that I didn't get to spend my freshman or sophomore years here. It would have been fun - classes would have been so easy that I'd have had more time to spend with friends, etc, but I'm still glad I saved all that money. Still, I could have distributed things more evenly. I just find it ironic that this is my last year of school, and I'm taking more credit hours this fall than I have before.
I mean, my very first semester I only took 12 credit hours, which I think was a good decision because I was new to college and just wanted to see how things went. But I took 12 the next semester too, even after I did well on the first. And 13 the semester after that. It wasn't until spring of my sophomore year that I finally took the "full" load, which was 15. Then when I transfered I only took 13 credit hours the first semester, even though I knew I had the college thing down. I did make up for some of it with summer courses, but that's really the more expensive way to do it. So now I'm stuck taking 16.5 credit hours for each semester of my senior year, where I'm taking all upper-level English classes. Really smart, huh? I don't know why I was afraid of "overloading" myself before. It's not that I wouldn't have had time to get the work done, even while working part-time on the side... I guess I was afraid of not having time to get everything done "the right way," or something pathetic like that. I really am pathetic sometimes, if you haven't figured that out.
And even though in general I enjoy being a student, and am good at what I do, it does make me wonder about life after graduation. I already kinda vented about this in an e-mail to a friend earlier. And probably in previous blogs as well. The fact that I just can't see myself writing for a living, unless it was my kind of writing. Because writing "correctly" (like, professionally) takes a lot of effort. And I CAN do it...even well enough to get good grades most of the time. But I notice that when I really get wrapped up in writing all these papers and academic material, my regular writing suffers. Not that it's bad - I just don't do it. I don't e-mail, I don't write much in my real diary, I don't blog as often, and when I do it's all "Oh I have a lot of work for finals, blah blah blah." There's no feeling, nothing meaningful. And I'd really like to think that the things I write on my own are far more meaningful than anything "literary" that I write. Which is why a part of me is terrified of losing it.
Writing something like this takes no effort at all. It would take more effort not to. If I have something to say, it's busting to get out of me. And it's not that I don't always like writing literary papers. Sometimes I do feel like I have something to say, and really like the topic at hand. Even then, I rarely write the way I do here. No matter how well it sounds or how pleased I am with the end result, I did it because I had to.
But then, even when I'm not in school I don't always write as much as I'd like to. It takes me ages to finish a simple short story. I write in my diary sporadically. So maybe the problem is just me. Maybe I'm lazy and need an attitude check - perhaps if I simply tried harder to enjoy things, writing wouldn't always feel like a chore, and I could find a better balance.
And it's probably unfair of me to judge future writing jobs now (whatever they may and probably never will be). I'm sure there are ways around it if I look for them - all I can say is that for right now, I would rather work in a completely different area of work than to take something I love so much and turn it into a chore.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009