Quality or quantity...or both [Saturday, Feb. 24, 2007, 10:33 am]
I'm such a slacker sometimes. I can write a 5-page paper in a few hours if I need to, but first I need some quality brainstorming/note-taking time, and that's hard to get when you're babysitting 3 little boys all weekend. The rest of my family went to Canada, so I'm taking care of the brothers. It's been okay so far - hopefully I'll be heading back to school on Sunday night.
Maybe I'll bake cookies today. That's something I haven't done in a while.
I need to just get over things. This semester has already been so much better than the last, because I know people here and I'm starting to get more comfortable around them. So I need to just forget the things that dragged me down before. Sometimes I wish it didn't take me so long. Sometimes I'm glad that there are people who just accept anyone without judging, but then I wonder if that makes it harder to truly be special.
That probably made no sense. I suppose I should go back to what I've often thought about friendship - when I first came to school I thought that I wouldn't care how few friends I ended up with, as long as I found my own little circle of those I could trust - even if it were only one person. I'd rather have a close and exclusive relationship with just one person, than casual acquaintances with a ton of people.
But now I'm not so sure. I've met some people that I could possibly trust in that way, but either it didn't work, or I wasn't sure if I wanted to get to that point after all. I tried once, and ended up making the person feel awkward because I knew what I wanted but not how to get there. And I've also seen how easy it can be for good, close relationships to become "cliques." And I never want to be a part of something like that - of feeling special only by shutting other people out.
I've sat with groups (mainly just other people from my rather dramatic floor) who do very little aside from gossiping about people who aren't there, and then sharing a bunch of inside jokes from TV shows that only they have seen. I dunno - I'm sure part of the problem is me as well. I'm still rather quiet, and I suppose I put up walls sometimes, without realizing it. Maybe if I were more like them, I would be just as likely to become "exclusive" as well.
I would still insist that quality is better than quantity in terms of friendships, but they don't necessarily have to be exclusive from each other. I do want close friends, but not at the expense of cutting myself off from the rest of the world, and acting unaccepting towards those who don't "fit in." Although to avoid being a hypocrite, I suppose I should also spend time with those who are part of more exclusive groups as well, I just often don't because it's become harder, and I often don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
So I guess I'm rethinking what exactly it is that I want. I guess now that I think of it, I haven't really been "trying" for anything (in most cases) - I just ended up with different friends in different places, and the people I feel most comfortable hanging out with are the ones that seem the least exclusive. Which is different from how I thought things would be.
I guess now that I'm living in a much larger community than I was last year, I feel more comfortable just kinda drifting. I do have some friends that are closer than others, but it's funny how I haven't really thought much about my old notions until recently, and realized that I've survived without being a part of my own "exclusive" little circle. It's not that I don't still desire a close relationship with someone someday, but I'd rather not have it than become snobby and shut out every other person on campus. And I suppose that everyone, no matter how non-judgemental they are, is going to have people that they just like and get along with better than others - it's part of life.
I'm working on it. I only have one perception, and so others may see things a lot differently. I don't want to sound like I'm trying to be "better" than others because I'm not, and I'm sure they all have reasons for acting the way they do. But I hope that someone will slap me if I ever start acting cliquey, and unaccepting of others just because they're not part of the "group."
Oh well- I'll just try to be patient and see how things continue to work out. And keep my over-analysis to a minimum, haha.