Lord, we don't know where all this is going. . . [Friday, Jul. 28, 2006, 2:52 pm]
I only got 33 hours of work this week, which is kinda sad, but there just hasn't been as much to make as there often is.
Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time just writing poetry and reading for an afternoon. I've written almost 60 poems this summer. Most of them are pretty short, and many are crap, but I feel like I'm developing some sort of style, which is a good thing.
I think I know why I get so uncertain about the whole "career" business. I'm used to being told what to do. That's pretty much how I was raised for a lot of the time. If you want to do anything, ask mom & dad first, or you'll get in trouble. Initiative just wasn't something I needed.
If someone I trusted had just come up to me before college and said: "You should go to this school, and major in this, because it will get you into this career, and you'd be good at that," I probably would have done it. I know what I enjoy doing now, but I don't know what I want. Well, I know what I want, but I don't know what is feasible. I don't think I'd be a good librarian - I'm just not a people person, and research is sometimes cumbersome to me. Writing - it's hit or miss. I couldn't see myself being a journalist and trying to write about whatever boring issues people assign me to.
Sometimes I feel like Julia Roberts' character in Runaway Bride, as much as I hated that movie; she didn't even know how she liked her eggs because she was busy doing everything the way her fiances liked it. I just feel the need to find a little cove somewhere and cling to it. Once I find something to cling to, I can be independent within it, but I'm thinking I'll have to build my own foundation now that I'll be semi-on-my-own, and I haven't a clue where to start. It's almost like becoming a new person, but not really, when you're not entirely sure who you are to start with.
But then. . .a college major is just a major. It's not a binding contract, sealing your soul to an eternity of boring, dead-end work that isn't quite what you wanted it to be.
Of all the verses that strike me about the absolute devotion required in being a Christian, this is one of them:
Obviously Jesus doesn't mean "hate" here in the same way that we should hate things like sin. But it does seem a strong word to use - too bad I don't know how it reads in the original language.
But the point is. . .if I try too hard to work everything out on my own - perhaps I want it too much. Or love it too much. Or am clinging to, depending on something that I shouldn't be depending so much on. There's only one person I should be clinging to, now or anytime. And when I do that, the rest will follow in the way it should - not necessarily the way that I (with my eyes blinded to the future) want it to.
In light of that, I think I say "I can't" too much. What I really mean is, "I don't want to," or "I might mess up," but those are lousy excuses. They really are. I have one life to give, and I know I'm only hurting myself by being insecure.
I am also beginning to understand that giving one's life to God involves so much more than just praying, "Okay God, you can have my life," at a youth rally or a conference. It's a daily thing. And I'm so far behind. . .
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009