Must my own little world contain no one but me? [Tuesday, Nov. 09, 2004, 10:24 pm]
I'm just sitting here, fingers poised on the keyboard, trying to think of something to say. I need to get something off my chest, and I'll probably end up making it sound like much more of a big deal than it really is (like I usually do). The little blinking cursor is driving me crazy. It's as if it's saying to me, "hurry up! Type something - I want to move!" I can't type just something. I can't just talk about my day and whatever petty things in my life are holding my attention at the present time. I've realized that nearly everything I write here is all about me, my day, my thoughts. Of course, this IS my diary, but it seems that the times that I even bother to mention other human beings are few and far between.
I've thought long and hard about what it means to be a real friend. Sometimes I lament the fact that I have no one I could really call a 'best friend'. And yet, when I wonder why this is, the saying keeps coming back to me, "The only way to have a friend is to be one." And that's where I fall short, every time. I'm so used to simply taking care of my own needs and wants, and not worrying about anyone else. And why should I? Why can't we all just take care of ourselves? Because we weren't designed that way.
Now, I know, all human beings are made differently - God never intended us to be cookie-cutter molds of each other, which is a very good thing. That partially explains why I'm such an anti-social oddball. It's funny how, on the inside I really do desire a deep friendship, and yet I never take the time or the effort to seek one. Maybe I'm expecting it to just drop into my lap one day. Maybe I'm just waiting for Prince Charming to show up and sweep me away. Does it really happen that way anymore? Or do I have to go looking for him?
But God knows that some things are easier for some to attain than others. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to have to choose between getting good grades and having a best friend. I'm always striving to do the very best that I can in school, and when I don't get A's it disappoints me. If the professor says to shoot at least 3 rolls of film for each assignment, I do 4 or 5. Maybe I would have a friend to hang out with, if I wasn't so selfish. But most of the time I would much rather entertain myself and do what I want to do...
If only I made the effort to be a less-rotten friend. I remember only a year or 2 ago, I had a great guy friend who I would talk to online. I actually only met with him in person about 4 times. He ended up dating a girl who treated him horribly, and made very irresponsible choices, and I couldn't understand how he could think he was "in love" with her, when he should have seen that she wasn't right for him. And looking back, I think I could have done a much better job of telling him how I felt about it.
On the one hand, I think that as his friend, it was my job to be honest with him, and let him know if I thought he was hurting himself. Which I didn't hesitate to do. But on the other hand, friends aren't supposed to judge each other, and I'm afraid my well-intentioned talk probably turned into just that. When talking with another guy about the situation, I expressed my fear that my friend would end up getting hurt - and he said, "Sometimes you just have to let that happen...let him learn for himself." I couldn't do that. I couldn't just sit by and let him compromise his values with this girl. But maybe I should have.
My friend ended up changing his entire college plans around so he could attend the same school as his girlfriend. And guess what happened a few months later? Yep, they broke up. I saw it all so clearly - I had been right, and I told him so, using less blunt language of course. So he did get hurt, and he did compromise. But I think that sticking my nose into his business like that may have cost me the friendship.... I know my actions were well-intentioned to begin with, but I should have done things much differently. I have no one to blame but myself, and I can't rewind and do it again, as much as I want to.
I wouldn't say that I've given up on 'real' friendship, but I just can't see myself with a best friend anytime soon. I'm just too selfish... But I know that I could be intensely loyal if and when I do find someone. I may not learn to love easily, but when I do, I don't give up.
So in the meantime, I'm getting really good grades in college. Which seems much more important to me than it does to most people. But I still wonder, how much personal time would I be willing to sacrifice to find a guy who will always be there for me? Someone who loves me the way I am, despite all my oddities. Does such a person exist?
Something tells me that a life-long friendship must be worth more than graduating with high honors... I want it, but I feel like I can't attain it. Usually I'm perfectly content with my situation though - I don't know why I'm feeling funny about it tonight.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009