I can get so stupid... [Friday, Sept. 17, 2004, 8:56 pm]
Ever have those days when you feel like just coming home, going up to your room, and either 1), banging your head against the wall a few times, 2), falling onto your bed and magically falling asleep in 3 seconds, or 3), both of the above?
Actually, I did neither today, but I would have done #2 if my bed wasn't covered with books, and negative files, and clothes, and assignments, & other stuff. I had my first real night of being an Awana leader tonight, and it was much more difficult than the first.
Seriously, is something wrong with me? Is there something about me that really sticks out to people as being exceptionally abnormal? I wish you'd be nice and let me know what it is, because I'm clueless. I feel like an alien. I was trying to keep track of the kids, but they just don't listen to me. And I kept zoning off into another world for some reason. I was supposed to be keeping them all under control, but one of them ended up not knowing what to do during one of the games, and then she felt really embarrassed because she did the wrong thing, and I felt really bad and was trying to cheer her up (all while neglecting the other kids in my charge), and her father was watching her too and he had to tell her what to do because I hadn't.
I'm sorry - I just had to tell someone. I'll get better at this, I hope. But like I said, a lot of the kids just don't listen to me. I'm like the complete opposite of authoritative. We need more male leaders - they usually have more command, at least more than I do. I have such a quiet voice - and unfortunately, its volume levels are non-adjustable.
But you know, bad things happen to me, just like everyone else. It just seems that in the past 2 days, I've done much more than my fair share of stupid, embarrassing things. Can I push rewind and do the past 2 days over? Please? And when did I ever think I could be a leader to a bunch of 5, 6, and 7-year-olds?
But then, other people have done much worse things than me, and they don't get to go back and correct them either. There's only one direction to go - forward. I HAVE to move on and stop dwelling on my many stupidities.
I have to go to the all-day Awana leaders conference tomorrow, even though I could be here catching up with my homework.
I have to try for my driver's license again, even though I have a feeling I'll be just as nervous as before.
I have to try as hard as I can in photography class, even though it's the first one I've ever taken, and requires a whole ton of work in the darkroom, which is a 45-minute drive away.
I have to make sure I'm keeping up with my other 3 classes too, and giving them my best effort (yes, even algebra).
I could go on & on. But most of all, I have to realize that I'm never going to be perfect. It's not that I didn't know that - it seems to become only more and more obvious.
But I have to stop beating myself up every time I fall short. Because I'm going to mess up many many times in my life, and there's so much more to life than that. I'll never really live if I can't let go of my past failings, however insignificant they seem to other people. I mean, that's what life's about, isn't it? Moving in a forwardly direction.
And I'm sorry to ramble on & on. I was going to put up something much more interesting, but this needed to come out instead, so I'll have to wait until I have more time.
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
-Thomas A. Edison-
**Edit (9:33 pm): Writing is therapeutic, I tell you. I'm feeling better just after writing that. Not totally good, but more optimistic, I suppose. Sometimes you have to let something out before it really makes you feel better, even if it makes no sense to others.**
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009