Introversion [Wednesday, Apr. 07, 2004, 10:35 am]
So much to say. But I'll start by saying that I've decided not to go to the Patriots parade today. Yeah, call me a party pooper, but I heard people talking about it on the radio this morning around 8 am, and they said there were people already there and finding places to sit! And the thing isn't supposed to start till like 3! I don't think my mom realizes how insanely crowded it will probably be. And it'll be windy and cold too. So I don't really think I'd enjoy it that much.
Oh well, I enjoy staying home alone, believe it or not. It's really nice to get a break and have the entire house to myself for a while. Even though I usually spend a lot of time alone anyway.
I was thinking about that a lot yesterday and today. And I was going to write about it last night but it was late, and I couldn't really find the words. But see, I'm an introvert. I know that much for sure. And being a bit anti-social means I like spending a lot of time alone. Even when I'm surrounded by people, most of the time I'd rather sit around and think to myself. I know that sounds weird. Probably because it is. But it really doesn't bother me that much, because apparently that's just how I am.
I remember reading an article in CCM magazine about Christine Dente (from Out of the Grey), talking about how she was an introvert. She made the interesting observation that she wanted to be alone, but not totally alone. That just struck me because that's exactly how I feel. I have a big family, but a good portion of my time is spent up in my room. Unlike most public-schooled kids, I do almost all of my schoolwork alone. I can be in a large group of people and still be alone. I'd much rather entertain myself alone by thinking to myself or listening to music. I always need my private time, to just write in my diary and think. In fact, that's one of my biggest worries about college (I sure have a lot of them, don't I?) - that I won't have enough time for myself.
But at the same time, I do feel lonely sometimes. Sometimes I really wish I had someone that I could call my best friend. I sometimes get scared thinking about the possibility of having to live on my own someday, even if it's after college. I sometimes feel like one of the worst things that could happen to me is having to live my life alone. Yes, I'm a far cry from the 'independent woman' that feminists are trying to make us out to be.
So most of the time, I want to be alone, but I don't want to be totally alone. It's quite an enigma. It's not that I don't like people, or don't like to be around them, because a lot of the time I do. Just not all the time. And I'm very selective with friends too.
I think there's nothing at all wrong with being introverted, or shy, because that's how I am. Or rather, who I am. But at the same time, I think my anti-socialness is something I need to work on. I've been telling myself that for a long time, but sometimes it's hard to really know what to do when it comes to trying to change yourself. I think most people are too busy looking for ways to change others, rather than themselves. But I guess for me it would mean taking the initiative more often. For example, I'm really bad at carrying a conversation. I rarely start one myself. And I can't remember the last time I actually made friends with someone. It's always been the other person who's made friends with me.
Why am I so afraid of doing that? I think the reason is the same reason why I'm afraid of doing many other things - I'm afraid I'll mess up. And if I do, what will the other person think of me? That always seems to be the root of my problems. I try to get in people's heads and think, "Hmmm, I wonder how stupid they think I must be after they just heard me accidently say that, or do that." Or "What will they think of me if I don't do this right, or can't think of anything to say, or fail them somehow?"
I need to stop that.
To an extent, it's okay to wonder what other people think, because it can be healthy, but I think I (like a great many others) take it too far. If anything, this should make me more tolerant towards other people who make mistakes. Because if I want the assurance that nobody's going to pound me into the ground for getting something wrong, then I need to be sure I'm not doing it to others as well.
Plus I worry too much. But I suppose I won't talk about that, I'll stop now. Cuz no one wants to hear me go on and on about my problems. I guess I'll just try to tell myself that it's ok to occasionally think about what people are thinking about me, but it's not ok to worry about what they're thinking. In the end, it's just a waste of time.
Well, anyway, I'm going to try not to be lazy this morning, and do some schoolwork. It's always hard to motivate myself when I'm alone too. But I'll still do some more internet surfing, and maybe watch the rest of "Reign of Fire", or something. Maybe that should be my reward for doing my schoolwork.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009