Leeway [Friday, Feb. 01, 2008, 3:37 pm]
There usually isn't much communication between my family and I while I'm at school - other than siblings on facebook, it's mostly just occasional e-mails between my mom and I. A few days ago I was just talking about how it was kinda stressful wondering when I'll be able to get a decent job, and how I just want to do something I like, to be able to pay the bills, etc.
And she wrote back and told me how I didn't need to worry about finding anything right off - I could go home for a few months and stay there if I needed to. And I know that - I know they want to be there for me, and would never let me go homeless or anything like that. And that's a great thing to know - I really really do appreciate it, because I have an awesome family.
I just wonder if sometimes having that extra "cushion" there isn't the best thing. Because knowing that I don't have to do something often makes me less likely to want to do it. If I can get by without looking for a job right off, why bother? I'm not saying I'm going to do that - it's great to know I have the support at home - but I want it to be support and not "an easy way out."
I remember a few years ago my mom was going over her philosophy of living at home - she said something about how she would expect my brothers to start paying rent if they were still there at age 18, while for us girls it would be okay if we just kept living at home "until we got married."
I'm not sure I care much for the distinction. I'm just as capable of making a living for myself as any guy is - and I may never get married. So it seems that my family would have no problem letting me be an old maid for the rest of my days, as long as I cooked well, or something like that. I don't want them to let me settle for that. I love my family, the environment there, and our house, but I don't understand the purpose of hanging around and waiting for Prince Charming - I really don't.
It would be nice, but one problem I see with that is that it makes it too easy to just "settle" for someone because they represent the desired way of life, rather than because of who they are.
I could go on. I know, I needn't stress out about my future because God and my family are there to take care of me and let me take baby steps if I must. Which is great - it means they're not putting too much pressure on me to be a "career woman" or anything like that. I don't want to destroy myself with stress while trying to fit any particular mold. But at the same time, I can't keep going back. I'm not the same as I was when I got here a mere 1.5 years ago. Now I'm more than ready to get out, but I want to retain my own autonomy while I do. I don't know why I'm so adamant about doing that. I really hope I don't just keep falling back on the cushions that are readily available behind me.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009