Just one person [Thursday, Dec. 14, 2006, 5:41 pm]
Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to end up doing when I get out of here. Although most of the time I just try not to think about it. I have absolutely no regrets about choosing a major that "fits" me rather than one that will guarantee a high salary. Even if I don't end up doing anything extremely "Englishy" like publishing or teaching, I'm sure an English degree would at least give me an edge if I was looking at a basic office job somewhere.
Sometimes the future looks lonely. To some degree I don't like doing things for myself all the time. Sometimes I feel fulfilled when I make nutritious food, or keep meticulous track of my finances, or clean things up for the sake of seeing them clean. But all those things tend to feel hollow and empty when I'm only doing them for myself. I mean, ultimately I do have the responsibility of taking care of myself, but I hate feeling like that's all I'm getting out of it.
I want to take care of someone else too. I want to do things for someone that they hate doing themselves. I want to feel like there's a reason for all these little responsibilities other than just my own welfare, because that seems like a pretty unfulfilling reason in the long run. I have to believe that there's someone out there who would want the same thing from me. I'd think it would sound desirable, but with all the postmodern views I keep seeing - short-term commitment, female independence, and emotional detachment - my ideas aren't exactly the trend anymore.
They tell us that we have to be in charge of our own futures, and go toward our own personal goals, but if we only pursue ourselves, that's all we'll be left with. I have a sneaking suspicion that my future isn't really in my own hands anyway.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009