Boy oh boy [Sunday, Nov. 19, 2006, 1:14 pm]
I'm thinking I've had enough boy drama for one year at this point, thank you. And most of it was my fault - or at least, something I could have prevented if I'd been stronger, or a little smarter. But then, learning is a good thing, as long as you don't get too beat up in the process. I'm assuming that at some point most girls have to either become depressed over all this, or just deal with it and toughen up. I'd like to hope I've toughened up a little bit, but I wish there was a way around that somehow, that didn't hurt so much.
Is it wrong to wish I had been less honest about how I feel? Even though it wasn't a direct statement, sometimes I wish that the particular "vibe" I apparently gave off wasn't so secret to me while obvious to the rest of the world. Sometimes I wish I knew how to "play hard to get" like some girls do.
I think that honesty is a very black and white sort of thing, but at the same time it has to be used with tact. Honesty doesn't mean constantly spewing out every single piece of information about yourself, just so you can't be accused of covering something up. But it also entails speaking up when something needs to be addressed - something that I wish had been done earlier. I hate knowing that I made someone feel awkward without even trying to. Maybe that's what happens when there's such a small number of people I'm not shy around - they get the worst of it.
I sometimes hate the way I go about liking guys, as infrequently as it does occur. Some girls can like many people at once and move on very quickly - I can't. For me, I develop an attraction to only one person, and it just keeps going until I get some negative signal (or conversation) that hits me in the face and makes me realize it isn't going to work. Which is not a fun thing to realize.
I feel like I do the right thing - that my motivations are good - that all I want to do is help another person in their way through life. But maybe I'm just selfish, after all. Maybe guys don't like to feel smothered. Maybe I have no right to want to give something away that doesn't even belong to me. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm incapable of "enticing" anyone, because then if anyone ever does feel attracted to me, it will actually be to me and not something else. Maybe honesty is a good thing, to a point. Maybe it's good to become tougher. Maybe if I'm more aware of the obviousness of my actions from now on, things will change.
Or maybe it's too late for this one. I don't know. But today I'm going to reassure myself that there are more important things in life. That there's nothing more "wrong" with me than there is with other girls. That I'm supposedly stronger now. That if it's not meant to be, I should be glad that it's not happening. That God blesses his plans and not mine. And that in the end, he's the only one I should truly love, and I need to do a better job of keeping that in mind. . .
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009