Social relations [Thursday, Sept. 21, 2006, 7:22 pm]
I love geeks. You can hang out with them without feeling like you're expected to get all "chummy" as is often the case with other girls. I'm so abnormal, really. I shouldn't mind it, but sometimes I do.
I don't want to talk about anything that would be deemed "profound" today. I get sick of structuring my words sometimes, when I do it to fulfill other people's expectations.
I don't know what I want to talk about. Actually, I want to talk about everything, but I can't. What I mean is that I can't pick.
I really like working in the mail room. I often have to "research" and look up names and addresses and locations & such. I see it as fun because it's almost as if I'm watching or observing people - with no chance of them knowing it. No, that isn't creepy. It's something else, I just don't know what.
I need to learn to trust people more. Trust them enough to stop guarding the stupid side of me that I try to keep hidden, but in the process, don't. I need to be less self-absorbed. I thought it would be harder to be that way in the dorms, but it's really not about my location.
But I get to visit an off-campus friend tomorrow. One of the few people I'm generally not shy around - now there's a scary thought.
Oh yeah, I was supposed to "workshop" poetry in Creative Writing class today but it was cancelled - by a note on the door. Now that sucks. I'm a little self-conscious about this though. One of them is a poem that I absoultely love, but have this nagging feeling that no one else will exactly appreciate it the way I do. Yes, it's a love poem, but it doesn't mention the word "love" anywhere. We'll see next week I suppose. I haven't written a single poem since I've been here, which is sad.
I need more self-discipline. I need to find the gym. And uh, use it once I find it. I need to stop being so selfish. I need to learn how to help people.
A friend of mine once made the interesting comment over AIM (on the topic of social relations): "I hate people, but I know how to deal with them." He was using the word "hate" very loosely, as he tends to, but it made me realize that I'm something of the exact opposite of that. I love people in general, or at least tolerate them - but 90% of the time, I haven't the foggiest idea how to deal with them. I try to view people as sensitive beings - it's so easy to just get used to treating people as "things" without even realizing it - but I guess I'm paying too much attention to that, or something. I want to help people too, but again, I don't always know how. People don't exactly come to me for help, and if they did, I wouldn't always know how to even if I wanted to. Perhaps it's one of those "learning process" things that I always seem to be so behind on.
I get paranoid when people always talk about the person that isn't there - does that mean they talk about me when I'm not there? If so then I don't really want to participate in the discussions. But I don't want to have no friends either.
It's hard - a part of me really wants to develop strong relationships with people rather than quick acquaintances. But it seems like all the good friends I've had all through childhood have moved away from me. Sometimes I wonder what the point is. I'm not going to just get to know people so I won't be lonely - that's like using them. But then, don't all relationships start as acquaintances, and then grow into something more?
I probably sound almost social in this entry, but I'm not trying to sound any particular way. And I think that if I stop thinking about it, it will become less of a problem. So there.
V: "The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous."
-V for Vendetta-
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009