Growing up [Monday, Jun. 07, 2004, 3:17 pm]
I think I've always struggled with self-doubt, but today I seem to be doing that even more so. *sigh* I just need to learn to relax, I guess. Why do I have to be so tense about everything?
I think that for the past 8 years or so, I've just been living in this tiny comfort zone of mine. And now I'm finally realizing that I need to push myself out of it, but it's so hard. It's been so easy for me to make plans, and decide what I want to do, but when it comes to stepping out into the big bad world and doing them, I tend to freak out.
Now I realize God knew what He was doing when he kept me home this year - and doesn't He always? He didn't have to let me know why He did it, but I think I know now. And maybe He even had other reasons too, but this is enough for me. I just need to give myself time to adjust to the changes in my life. I guess you can't expect all kids to adapt to things at the same rate. Some are ready to go out on their own as soon as they turn 18, or even before. Others have to hang around for a little while longer, and tread carefully. I guess I'm one of those.
I don't want to grow up. Actually, I think deep down inside, I really do. But...sometimes I just wish I was 10 again. I remember when the Disney version of Peter Pan was one of my favorite movies (well, it was one of the only movies we owned at the time). Never never land was a place where children never grew up. Don't you wish there really was a place like that? But it's just a fantasy. In the 'real world' (if there is such a thing), you have to go through this phase of life called 'teenagerhood', which is often glamorized (for what reason I really haven't figured out yet), and learn how to be an adult.
I really shouldn't doubt myself. Yes, eventually I will get through this transitional period. Yes, I will become a responsible, mature adult someday. But the transition is sometimes confusing. I need to stop doubting myself. God will help me, if I'd only rely on Him (and let's face it - I need all the help I can get!). I'm ashamed to say it, but today I read my Bible for the first time since Awana ended. What's with me? It's lying right there, and yet I have to avoid it because I somehow think I have better things to do?
Well, I'll work on it. I have to realize though, I have it so much better than lots of kids. Maybe looking at the things I have to be thankful for will help me to be less tense about things.
"In three words, I can sum up what I've learned about life: it goes on."~Robert Frost
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009