I still don't know what's happening here... [Tuesday, Apr. 27, 2004, 12:19 pm]
Something I heard once in the movie "The Sound of Music" has been coming back to me a lot. It's the part where Maria says:
"When the Lord closes the door...somewhere he opens the window."
And I know that's not completely Biblical, but at the moment it feels to me that a door has just been shut. But I'm wondering if maybe it's been shut all along and I just didn't notice it before. Maybe I was just so caught up in doing what I wanted to do, that I didn't even WANT to notice.
Basically, last night my parents told me that based on the info we have, going to either of the schools I'd been interested would be very tough for us, and it would probably require me borrowing much more money than I should. So as far as I know, I won't be going to a private Christian school this year.
I'm beginning to realize how stupid it was to not have at least SOME kind of 'back-up' plan. I should have applied to a few cheaper schools too, but I didn't, and I'm afraid it might be too late. Actually, it's not too late to apply to a few community colleges, so that's probably what I'll do.
Right now I'm undecided as to whether I should enroll full-time this year (if we can afford it), or just take a few classes nearby and then enroll next year, after I have more money.
But I just feel like I need to get out. That would be the problem with staying home for another year - I already depend on my parents for so much. I feel like if I stay here, I'll get too comfortable, and have a harder time leaving (or desire to leave), when it's time.
Sometimes I just wish it were the 1800's, when girls my age would just get married and then move out and not have to worry about all this stupid career stuff. But this is the 21st century, and things are just different. I certainly wouldn't mind getting married, but I suppose I'd need a guy for that, wouldn't I?
But one thing I've realized is that I can't just do things my way and then expect God to just work everything out. I'm beginning to wonder...did I even ask God what He wanted me to do, or did I just do it and ask him to make it work?
But I always thought He wanted me at a Christian school, I mean, why not? How could he possibly have a problem with me going to a good Christian school? It never occurred to me that maybe it was in His plan that I go to a secular one instead.
Still, I don't regret applying to those Christian schools. They all said that even though they looked expensive, I should really give them a try, because they offer lots of scholarships, and often end up being much more affordable than they look. But when you end up with a $15,000 gap between what it costs, and what you can pay...well, it just wasn't affordable for us.
Like I said, it's my own stupid fault for not applying to other places too. Still, it's sad. I'd always thought I'd end up at a Christian place this year. I went through the entire application process. I told people where I was hoping to go, every time they asked what I was planning to do after highschool.
Well, I'm hoping to apply to that community college not too far away, but I'd better do it fast. And if that doesn't work out either, then I guess I'll just be taking classes locally, and trying to earn some more money. But I need to learn to follow God's plan instead of my own. Cuz when I try to take care of it myself, it never works. Haven't I learned that lesson enough times by now?
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009