Insecurity [March 18, 2004, 12:57 p.m.]
Went to the dentist's this morning. After examining my jaw, he gave me a list of things that might be contributing to the problem. Among them: bad posture, teeth clenching, caffine, etc. But those were the ones that hit me the most. Especially the bad posture one - I have terrible posture. See, I read a lot, and I usually do that (and a good portion of my other schoolwork) while just lounging on my bed. I think I need a big comfy chair to read in. Problem is, the only ones we have are downstairs, and it's never quiet enough to do schoolwork down there. *sigh*. I'm going to keep taking anti-inflammatory medication and applying heat, and I'll try to use better posture and not clench my teeth. Hopefully that'll fix the problem eventually.
He also that there was the possibility of doing damage to the jaw, so he suggested I get an X-ray done by the orthropedic surgeons. I've never had an X-ray in my life - scary. Hopefully the jaw isn't out of place or anything, cuz if it is, a mouthpiece may not be enough to fix it. But we'll see.
It was kinda difficult going out for most of the morning with three little boys ages 3 to 7 (yeah, my brothers). They don't like waiting rooms very much, and as soon as we open the doors to leave they just kinda run out into the parking lot; that was kinda scary. But they're still cute.
Lately I guess I've just been looking over my 'future' as it stands now. There are just so many 'what if?'s'. Especially as far as careers go. I mean, I want to get married someday, provided there's some guy who wants to get married to me. But who knows how long that's going to take to find out. And I really do want to be a writer. Which is why an English degree is what I think I should get. But I'm beginning to look at it in a more realistic way I guess. I mean, I know lots of girls who say they want to be actresses. Nothing wrong with that, but there are a LOT of people who want to get into acting; who's to know if they will or not? Kinda like me; I'm certainly not the only aspiring writer out there. What if nobody wants to publish anything I write? What if I end up realizing I have no talent at all?
Plus, I really want to get a Christian education all the way through college, and I don't want to go too far away from home. But what if financial aid just isn't enough to bridge the gap between what it costs and what we can pay? I know, this probably sounds like I'm being really insecure. And I do tend to be insecure at times. It's just that, looking at things 'realistically', I really don't think I can go to any of the colleges I've applied to, without borrowing more than I feel I should. Of course, I haven't received any final award letters yet, but who's to know if there'll be any improvement when I do?
I guess I've started to re-evaluate why I want to do this. It certainly is a huge investment. I guess the honest question I've kinda been asking myself is, "Am I good enough at what I want to do, to justify spending all this money and going into debt on account of it?" And another question: What should I do if I really can't realistically attend any of the colleges I've applied to somewhere? Apply to PCC? They're only like $5,000 a year, but they're in Florida. Would getting an English degree with little or no debt involved be worth living in such a legalistic environment??
It's hard to figure out sometimes. I guess one thing I have to realize is that just because I want to do something 'good' (going to a Christian school close to home as opposed to a secular one) doesn't mean that's what God wants me to do. I mean, not every good Christian singer is going to end up with a Christian music record deal. That doesn't mean they can't sing for God, He just doesn't want them all doing the same thing. I think that applies to my situation - somehow.
I'll keep praying about it. It's hard to believe the decisions I make as a young 17-year-old right now could have such a huge effect on the rest of my life, but it's true. Maybe that's why I feel a bit too immature to be trying to decide what to do. *sigh*. I'll pray about it.
Vitality - Tuesday, Aug. 11, 2009